Chapter 43 (cont.)

 

Bench Player

 

“I met a girl one night -- as we all seem to do on a bender -- and went back to her place. Things happened in my mind, but didn't really happen in real life. So, she asked me to leave. On the way home, I decided to hit up the Harrington Market (I lived in Gilbert, she lived in Lane). Needless to say, the Harrington Market was closed at 4 AM. So, I took a break to smoke a cigarette and the next thing I know, Public Safety is waking me up on a bench on the Beach! After checking my ID, they promptly escorted me back to Gilbert Hall.”

 

- Trib, UD '01

 

Sloppy at 7-11

 

“Three Olives Chocolate Vodka...I have no idea who the hell thought up the genius idea to make chocolate flavored vodka, but it's the grossest stuff.

 

The summer before junior year, me and my three best friends decided that it would be fun to have a girls night and make Chocolate Martinis. Well, two bottles of Three Olives Chocolate Vodka later, we were smashed. I was passed out on a couch, and in my drunken slumber heard someone say something about going to 7-Eleven. I jumped up, grabbed a hoodie, and went along...little did I know that while I was passed out they had decided that it would be a fun idea to draw ALL over me. I mean, my face was covered with shit, my arms, my back, and I had no idea. Well, we were in University Courtyard, and 7-Eleven is maybe a five minute walk, but it took us about twenty minutes to make it across the parking lot and over to 7-Eleven.

 

We finally get there, and I walk in and immediately crash into the donut holder thing, and spill about fifteen donuts all over the floor, ricochet off of that thing into a stack of paper coffee cups and send those flying, stagger back to the drinks, get a Gatorade, then proceed to walk up to the register, cutting in front of about four people who were already in line, slam my drink down and ask the clerk if he could, ‘Ring this shit up, please.’

 

After finally paying for everything, I walked outside and immediately began throwing up all over the 7-Eleven parking lot, then headed home…stopping about every fifteen yards to puke again. The next day was absolute hell...I don't think I moved from my bed. I have NEVER felt worse from drinking. I cannot even see a bottle of that shit without my stomach turning now.”

 

- Tara, UD '08

 

Two for One

 

“One St. Patrick's Day evening, my friend and I decided to do shots of Cinnamon Schnapps Firewater. My friend filled my shot glass up halfway, and I said ‘Don't be a pansy...fill it all the way!’ Which he did for me. I had two of those. I then realized, after throwing up in my party host's Ivy Hall bathroom, that it was a double-shot glass...so I had done four shots. I left the party too drunk to even tell my friend where I lived, so she could drop me off. I had to stay at her place at the Towers, and borrow her '80s throwback wardrobe to do the walk of shame back down to Harrington the following morning. I can't even stomach the taste of cinnamon mouthwash since.”

 

- AW, UD '97

 

Craptacular Night

 

“We were out one night at a KA party, and pretty schnockered. On the way home to Dickinson, I was having a severe case of prairie dog, but only of a semisolid nature, given the recent multi-night binge drinking spree. Like trying to keep back the flow of lava and hot gas from Mt. St. Helens. So, just down the street from KA was the Amy E. du Pont Music Building, and I just darted into the ivy, pulled a military squat on the side of the building, and let 'er fly. Of course, given the location and time, there was obviously no TP, so I used my boxers. The walk back to Dickinson was…well…moist.”

 

- AB, UD '95

 

I Fought the Lawn, and the Lawn Won

 

“Oh boy. Me and two friends went to Kate's one night, already drunk. We didn't last too long in there…we were sort of sloppy drinkers, and Kate's didn't like to cater to people like us. I had one too many shots in there, and I knew I was going to puke, so I made my way out the door, went down the alley by there, and puked like a bastard.

 

I then remember walking down Main Street to go to the Deer Park. Apparently, I was in the Deer Park for an hour or so, but I have no recollection of that. God only knows what I was saying to people in there. The next thing I know it's light out, and I wake up on the grass by the train tracks just up from Main Street, about a block from the Deer Park. I didn't know if it was the next day, or the next week, or what the hell happened. I wake up, cars and school buildings were around, I was covered in leaves and crap. I had everything still on me (wallet, beeper, Altoids), but I lost my phone. But then I found it like ten feet away. Looked at the time, it was 5:30 AM. Four plus hours after last call. I was still drunk as shit, but man, that's the only time drinking really put a little scare in my ass. I spent the next twenty-five minutes laughing and stumbling back to my buddy's house to go to bed.”

 

- Jeff K, UD '98